Episode #7 - Malcolm Whitfield on Satire, Accountability, Dungeons & Dragons
Derek Horn
Welcome back to In These Uncertain Times, a podcast about creating and connecting in the midst of uncertainty. I’m your host, Derek Horn.
Today I’m interviewing another good friend of mine from college.
Malcolm Whitfield is a Rochester born and raised stand up comedian. In only the last 5 years, he has performed with a variety of great comedians, Like Mateo Lane, Aasif Mandvi, Chris Kattan, Samantha Ruddy, and many more. He is also a writer for The Hard Times, a satirical news site, focusing on music and pop culture.
Malcolm and I have a conversation about how he’s adapting his life as a comedian and writer and how he has found an unexpected release in the world of dungeons and dragons. We play a game where I test Malcolm’s ability to differentiate satirical headlines from real ones, and we make a hard pivot to wrap up with a conversation about restorative justice.
As a heads up, we briefly mention sexual assault and discuss absuers who faced a reckoning with the Me Too movement, and have an in-depth conversation about alcoholism and addition.
Derek Horn
Hey, Malcolm, welcome to In These Uncertain Times. How are you doing?
Malcolm Whitfield
I'm doing well. Derek. How are you?
Derek Horn
I'm doing all right. Thank you for joining today.
Malcolm Whitfield
Thank you for having me. I'm very excited. I'm a big, big fan. First time long time.
Derek Horn
Oh, thank you.
Malcolm Whitfield
Like what they say on radio and stuff. God, I immediately explained the joke. Okay, cool.
Derek Horn
So to start off, can you introduce yourself to the audience in your own words?
Malcolm Whitfield
I can try. Um, Hey, folks, my name is Malcolm Whitfield. I am a stand up comedian. And a writer for the hard times. And just I guess whoever else will give me money to write. I've been doing this for I've been doing stand up for like six years now. actual, like writing for three. And I'm based in upstate New York. But you know, that's, I was gonna say, Yeah, but I travel a lot. But none of that is happening right now. But that's what this show is about. Hello.
Derek Horn
So how his COVID has changed the way you work and how do you think it's changed the world of comedy as a whole?
Malcolm Whitfield
Oh, my God. Okay, so how do I start this, um, it has changed the way I work because in a way that I can no longer work. As a stand up comedian, I thrive off of an audience and like a comedy club or just any sort of show or venue. And I'm like every other performer that has been taken away from me, and rightfully so, you know, it's, you know, a dangerous world out there. But what I've seen, at least in the world of comedy is people shift. People have shifted online, but into two separate camps. There's the camp that I'm currently in. Which is kind of a little bit fighting against, like change so much where you're doing stuff online, but it's akin to the content you'd usually produce. Like, you're just, I'm just clipping up old stand up clips and throwing them out there, remind people that I'm still funny. I do zoom comedy shows, and, of course, writing as well. And then the other side that is just so it's like Greek to me, is, um, you know, tick tock, and like, real quick, like, almost unconscious sketch comedy, which takes so much energy and time and focus and like, yeah, know how, and I'm just old dog, like, trying to like learn these new tricks, and it's just not working for me. Hmm. So that's how I've seen comedy itself change, I guess.
Derek Horn
Yeah, it is. It really has been interesting seeing difference. Comedians and other performers just kind of make do with the situation and find things like TikTok and find like Zoom shows.
Malcolm Whitfield
And yeah, some people are way better at it, too.
Derek Horn
Yeah. And I don't even done here. Like, there's, I'm sure it's depends on the location you're in. But there's even been some socially distant, like, outdoor shows and stuff.
Malcolm Whitfield
I did a couple of those. I'm in New York State. So you know, I did it over the summer and all that, but we had a couple of events that we were able to do. And then when things sort of like slow crawl open back up our comedy club, the Carlson invited me to do a weekend. And they redid everything, you know, tables were spaced in, like real far away from the stage, everything's messed up. I was performing in a face shield. And then you know, restrictions were back up and that closed down again, rightfully so. But yeah, it's their outdoor shows where it's, it's cool, but still, like in a different realm. To me. It's just because I'm not like comfortable with it, I guess.
Derek Horn
Yeah, I mean, I feel like there is something that is I mess is kind of like being in a comedy show, like in a dark room, like at night.
Malcolm Whitfield
And there's like, yeah, you can type of all of the elements, all of those elements need to be together for like, a successful stand up comedy show. And I'm sure this is like, you know, evolution, things are gonna change, right, like two years when, like, hopefully, this is like, somewhat behind us, there's gonna be a new way of doing it. But right now, yeah, that whole, even just a dark room inside, where you can see faces. Like, I've done comedy shows, like, in the daytime, in the past that were awful. Like, like I was, I did a show at Alfred State, and I was standing on like, a lunchroom look. And it was like noon and big windows sunlight streaming in, and I could just see every emotion on everyone's face. And that's, that's not fun.
Derek Horn
Yeah, I mean, it kind of reminds me of like that moment, like when they close the club or the bar, and they just turn all the lights on.
Malcolm Whitfield
It's exactly that it's like, like, snapping back. But whatever happens next, I guess I'll try to get on board with this adapt or die.
Derek Horn
Yeah, and I mean, I think that's been a common theme of merging with COVID. And kind of, the more we learn about it, and how it's gonna be less going back to normal, but kind of rather evolving into a new thing. Is there anything that you are seeing that you think I'm in the world of comedy, or writing even that you think is going to be sticking around for the long haul?
Malcolm Whitfield
I think, uh, at least in the world of writing, and I guess, definitely Performing Arts, a way more open dialogue, like, just like, in tandem with COVID. And like the pandemic, there's been huge strides in, like social and racial and racial spaces. So I'm seeing like, a shift into instead of avoiding talking about those things, just straight up coming out with it, I find that a lot of like, my old material, that sort of dance around, it wouldn't work as well. In this new world, which I'm happy for, you know, it's very, it's very cool to see that especially like in a lot of the writing I do, whereas, no, last year, I would have like, definitely, like, toe the line now I have no like, regrets about going full force, you know?
Derek Horn
So there's been a lot about this year that is hard to satirize, but you've done some pretty incredible work. At the hard times, including some articles with headlines, including "Black woman's phone storage now 86% messages from white friends" and "police dog doesn't see color".
Malcolm Whitfield
That's just silly!
Derek Horn
and "Defunded Police Department forced to cut coke with flour before planting on suspects". What are your thoughts on the role of satire in tackling serious issues, particularly ones, like racial justice?
Malcolm Whitfield
Um, that's a good question. I guess I never like, I've been like doing satire for like, ever like my entire, like professional writing career or like even starting up when we were at Syracuse, Derek and I are friends from college. at Syracuse, I wrote for the kumquat, which is like our version of the onion there and like, that was like, intro to satire, just basically taking a real thing and making it bring it in the realm of surreal. But now it's like the two are so close together. Like I remember when Donald Trump got elected in 2016. And there was like this weird camp of people that was like, well, at least it'll be good for comedy. And then we see in the net last four years, where every headline that comes out, is now it seems satirical, you know? Yeah, it seems like, like everyone has COVID right now ever gonna work at the White House has COVID. That's like, hilarious.
Derek Horn
I have a right that I didn't think of it at this point. They're better off naming who doesn't have it.
Malcolm Whitfield
Exactly that. And like, I think, satire itself, the direction it has to go, because we've decided that the absurd, and the surreal is now closer to reality is just, I guess, heading, like going headfirst into it, because then at least opens up someone is talking about it. I've done a lot of like, shows and like writing and things where the host or whoever booked me on the show had like rules, they would come up and they say like, hey, so we just need a clean show. And for them, what clean just sort of meant is, well, no sex stuff. And also, please don't like mention the fact that you are black, like, sometimes it means that, like, they don't want it to get too crazy. But now it's like, what, it's impossible to talk about anything else. And hopefully, there's not gonna be as much of an apprehension and through that there's an openness to actually talking about these issues. I don't want to drone on but there's this, like, perception that comedians are like, the philosophers of the day. But I've always taken issue with that, because I don't see comedians as like, the guys who are just like saying what no one else will say, I think they're saying whatever, what like, is still just being said, they're saying what everyone else is saying, just into a microphone. Yeah, no, that that's I just don't think we're the heroes like that. We're just yeah, you know, talking.
Derek Horn
I don't know, I do think that there is this element of comedy, where you're kind of taking this topic, whatever it may be, especially if it's something that makes people uncomfortable, and they don't want to talk about openly. And you're just kind of putting it out there in this new context. And I think it does have the opportunity to make people think about it differently. Or, in some cases, even like, loosen up, and kind of either not take things so seriously, or make them have realizations and be like, Oh, no shit, this is I think something that's fucked up, and maybe I'm not immune to playing a part in this.
Malcolm Whitfield
I think so. And that's something I am. I don't know, I'm like back and forth on whether or not I like that. Because here we are in like a world where it's like, these are things that like we're all talking about and stuff, but why are the comedians in charge of making sure things get done this wreck when like, a bill, all the allegations and like all the stuff about Bill Cosby was put out there, and all the women he's harmed and all that for decades in the industry, decades, this has been happening. And then Hannibal Buress in like 2012 or whatever it goes up on stage, says, talks about that, and then says, Why are you Why are you mad at me? This information is out there. It's not new, right? And then from that point, everyone's like, oh, wow, this is real. And I think some people look at Hannibal birth, like he's some sort of like spy on or like an oracle. But he was just like talking again, about stuff that should have been already brought out. And then from that point, real change sort of like started to come from it. I so it can be powerful, but also, sometimes I feel like you know it, it shouldn't be it shouldn't come down to us, like, right to take down like, you know, whoever's at top but at the top, but you know, on the other side, it's people like in if you can do a funny, then they'll give you money to do that.
Derek Horn
Yeah. Yeah. And I know that this topic is probably passe at this point with this idea of like political correctness. And it involves like these right wingers pushing against it. And I think a big mess, what are your thoughts on that?
Malcolm Whitfield
So I kind of went through like an evolution with that, right? Because with comedy, it's really hard just like any art to like police it are really hard to say what you can't say, right? Because at the end of the day, and this is something I would say, you know, before performing and talking to other comedians, your job is to make the crowd in front of you laugh, if you did that, then you did your job, regardless of what you were saying and all that. But then you have to look at, you know, all in terms of political correctness, or like what people are laughing at, and whether or not they're punching down. Like comedy isn't like it shouldn't be used as a tool to just like, take down someone who's already like, beneath you, or low or anything. This Michael Che, I believe, said something like, comedy is comedians are kids at the back of the class making fun of kids at the front of the class to make the kids in the middle of the class laugh. And I, I I identify with that specific quote, I guess, where, um, you know, political correctness isn't ness isn't like necessary, as long as you're like, doing your job. But also you should not be like, punching down or you try to use your voice or your platform to like, try to make people feel good, you know? Hmm. I don't know it really I really feel like I've not given like a clear sort of answer I because I am have like two minds with that.
Derek Horn
Yeah, I mean, it is one of this, these topics that is pretty nebulous,
Malcolm Whitfield
But also, I've been like a part of like, different scenes, like, in my home scene in Rochester. A few years ago, there was a major like rift in the community overlaying political correctness and like mainstream versus like underground comedy. And it was ridiculous. Like, I feel like I toed the line with both sides of that. Because I guess I had that like, sort of privilege as a comedian. But I think if it's true to you, if it's something in your story that you're putting out there, no one can really stop you from sharing that experience. Right now, as like, I'll go on stage. Sometimes. I feel so nostalgic, because I keep mentioning that I go on stage. And now I feel that I haven't been but like I used to have this opener that was like My name's Malcolm Whitfield. You can probably tell, but I've been a lot of people first black friend. And that's like, that's my experience in that that's not necessarily politically correct. I mean, right. If it right, it kind of is because my existence itself is political in that sense. You know, it's like, you know, it's, it's subjective. I just want everybody to be nice to each other.
Derek Horn
Yeah, I mean, I think that there's also, I'm sure you've maybe come across this people firsthand where it's like, they just try to be edgy for the sake of being agile and just, like, say dumb crap, and end up getting into hot water for it.
Malcolm Whitfield
I think. But I think that's why Oh, sorry. Go ahead.
Derek Horn
No, I was gonna say that. I think that like with so many things in society, it's like, yes, we do have freedom of speech. But that doesn't mean you don't have to face the social consequences of the things you say.
Malcolm Whitfield
Exactly. That's like, I think about that a lot. Because freedom of speech is like, I've it's, it's great. But like if I was writing the Constitution, or the Declaration, if I was writing the Constitution, first thing I would say, I would say black people and women are cool. That'd be the first thing. And then I would say you know, with freedom of speech, it's free. You all freedom speech, asterisk, and then at the bottom, but don't be a dick about it. Like truly, it should just be good. We all know when we're hurting somebody, right? When it's brought to you, you have a choice at that moment this either you get better or you fully go with full knowledge that you're the problem. You just go for it. Yeah. It's It's It's why I think a lot of conservative humor doesn't like work or carry across. Yeah, because it's like, without it's at that point. They're no they know that. It's like, Oh, are you are you triggered now it's like it's leaning into an image of like, hurtfulness.
Derek Horn
Yeah, and that's one of the things I am just exhausted by this past four or five years is how so much of the discussion from the right and specifically Trump is like the figurehead of this. Is this just kind of meanness and cruelty is kind of being the point of so many things. I mean, it like obviously, this tweets and his rallies and all the bullshit, he says there, but even down to some of their policies, like some of these things, like the family separation, it just seems like it's, it's, for the sake of being that's some roles or like, whatever.
Malcolm Whitfield
It's exactly like, it makes you feel like are they literally just like, do they have like a dartboard of evil things? And then they're just like, every month, they just whatever it lands on. I'm like it truly if like, next month, they're like, guess what, we're poisoning the water supply.
Derek Horn
Yeah.
Malcolm Whitfield
But I guess that's fracking. So like, all of this.
Derek Horn
Yeah. And then they have like their gaslighting Zamboni come around being like, Oh, we would never mean it that way. Or we would never do this.
Malcolm Whitfield
Just like, you can't even like come across as like a performer and say something against it without like, someone being like, I don't know, I feel like sometimes being a comedian invalidates my actual, like sympathies and like opinions and stuff. Because sometimes people will be like, Oh, it's clearly not serious. It's a joke. You're a comedian, or just like you don't know. It's, it just feels invalidating sometimes. Right?
Derek Horn
Well, I mean, our president is a reality TV star. So I feel like they completely concede that argument.
Malcolm Whitfield
I know, we've all been over this so many times. And like, I'm repeating cuz I think it's because we're towards the end now. Fingers crossed, dude might still not leave. We we really don't know. The next worst thing still could always happen. But like, if two months cuz we're towards the end of it, I'm a lot more open to like, going into the nonsense of the last four years, and everything that I put in place. Whereas before I had, like friends and people I know talking about the President be like, I can't believe he's doing this and I would be bewildered at that statement. I'm like, he said he was gonna do this thing. Yeah, he said he was going to be awful. And here we are, with them being awful. I guess it's like a it really it stops feeling surreal at a point, you know? Yeah. It's like, dude, like when like nothing is like that funny. Nothing, right?
Derek Horn
I guess. It's like, so many of the things that they do are shocking. Yeah, but they're not surprising. Because, you know, to come to expect that kind of behavior. But the things themselves are like, what the fuck just happened?
Malcolm Whitfield
It's truly, truly upsetting. And it's a horrible place. We're all in right now. Yeah.
Derek Horn
So as a writer, what does your own media diet look like? And do you have anything to recommend to listeners, as a writer or just person.
Malcolm Whitfield
Yeah, as a person and as a writer, I exclusively because I've been so like, especially the last year I've been so like, fed up and drained from all of the stuff that's happening. That's true and real. I've dealt I've like, just let myself just like drown in high fantasy, high sideline fiction, things I've been way into d&d. That's like the only thing that I've been like truly doing because like, you know, my night jobs gone and my day jobs are literally whatever comes around. So I have like, a lot of time on my hands. So a lot of comedians, I know have been doing these role playing games, where you can still be like a different person, you can still be a character, you can still be have a lot of fun. Like I've been using it as like, just an escape for comedy at this point. So Dungeons and Dragons. I've consumed a ton of like d&d podcasts and like visual shows and all that. It's, this is a world like, I was not aware of, until March. And then it was it's like the it's like the fucking matrix, man. Like I just as soon as I saw the first thing, I was open to this whole world of entertainment and media that just exists based solely on role playing games and Dungeons and Dragons. I don't know it's like truly it's been truly the the most fun.
Derek Horn
What do you think it is that drew your comedy circle in friends into it? Is it just like just something random? Or do you think that there's something about it that
Malcolm Whitfield
Well, what I can say, drove a lot of the comedians I know and do it is the fact that our like main like livelihood, and like the thing that took up so much of our time, is now gone, outside of like performing. I'm just You know, you're just in bars, and you're in clubs for the majority, like, all week at Mike's and all that. And then suddenly you find yourself with a lot of free time. And it's a way to like, make sure you're still keeping in touch in a way and also staying fresh, because there's like a lot of like improv stuff that's involved. And there's a lot of opportunity to make jokes and interact and all that, I've probably gone more overboard than a lot of people. Just in that being like, a lot of the jobs I've had, in the last few months have just like disappeared entirely, like restaurants and like, all sorts of things. So it's like a been like, also just something to make sure I'm not like, fully spiraling out of control. With this, I can say that, that what drew me to Dungeons and Dragons is, here's a way I do not have to exist in my own mind. And like, stare at the reality of my horrible situation and all that. So that's, that's, that's what took me into it. I fully recommend it to everybody, no regrets about Dungeons and Dragons stuff.
Derek Horn
Nice. So, I know, you're describing this kind of using that fantasy is a way to go into another reality. But have you faced any other kind of specific mental health challenges this year? And have there been any other ways that you've coped with them
Malcolm Whitfield
Okay. Um, yes. I have had, I have like, a ton of anxiety and ADHD, like mentally those, those two things first, those are the first ones I want to address. In that I have I do a lot of like, it's it's been a struggle sometimes to look, my I have to remind myself every day that I am worth investing my time in, and I'm worth something. And I do my my therapist meets with me online, he's a real cool, dude, shout out to Howard, not gonna say his last name, I feel like you're not supposed to. And he's, like, sort of been like trying to keep me level. But also, I think a challenge I wasn't seeing is my sobriety. I'm an alcoholic, and I've been like, it's been almost two years now sober, which is very cool. But like, what drove me specifically to drink and do things like, you know, just go crazy.
And also what spurred what started my addict behavior is like, when I get to a point of anxiety, or depression or something, and there's nothing to do. And so I was working way harder on my comedy and all that in the before times, I guess. And it was one of the things that I was able to consume myself with, I had a couple of day jobs where I could just like, instead of actually doing the real work on myself, I could just occupy myself, so I didn't have time. And now, I have nothing but time. And there's nothing to do and no one checking me and no one watching me. And that was so hard. It was it was so hard, especially at the beginning. And, you know, you can do meetings and all that over zoom and everything but it, you know, once you close the screen, you're just back to being by yourself. Right? Um, I think that was like, a major issue I had, especially dealing with, like, you know, I have roommates that all drink and all that too. I'm not gonna ask them to change their life for me. So then, you know, you dive even further into Dungeons and Dragons until you actually have to start doing real work on yourself. Which is literally like a daily thing. There's no like, I feel like I set this up like there was gonna be like, anyway, and that's how I got through it. But I didn't, you know, it's like literally a daily thing. You just have to one day at a time. This is so corny, but that's what they all because that's what they always say. But it's it's it's just an ongoing thing. Some days are easier than others.
Derek Horn
Yeah. Well, thank you for sharing that vulnerability. And congratulations on two years. That's really awesome and I'm proud of you.
Malcolm Whitfield
It's very, I got close, I got, I will say the closest I got was, um, election night, obviously, that was the most highest night like, and truly I had like a moment where I was like, when we were all waiting for the results, it was like one or 2am at that point. And I was like, sitting watching the TV. I'm like, I should have like, if Trump wins, I'm gonna drink. And then I thought, but if Biden wins, maybe like to celebrate, I should drink. And I kind of went back and forth on that until I fell asleep. Like that was and that that's how I got through that night, I guess.
Derek Horn
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I I personally have dealt with like anxiety for my whole life. And it's definitely one of those things where it's not you don't really reach one endpoint with it. It definitely is one of those these things where some days are better than others. And you really just have to take it day by day and find your mechanisms to help you get through each day.
Malcolm Whitfield
So it's like sucks, too, because it's like, sometimes, like, I'll be like, yeah, finding the mechanisms is important. Because like, every now and then I'll like, find the one, there's no end. Because I always think there's going to be, a one thing, once I get to this threshold, then it's like, THAT'LL fix me. And it can be like, something like big, like, let me just get this job and then then I'll be good, or just something so like, tiny, I don't know, if you find yourself just like, I know, I'll buy this one thing, and then you just have anticipation until it comes. And then like, you grab the package and open it, you feel in your hand. It's like, this is the thing that will fix me. And then like, two weeks later, it's the same cycle. So, uh, yeah, man day by day stuff.
Derek Horn
So besides Dungeons and Dragons, have there been any other unexpected habits or hobbies that you've adopted this year?
Malcolm Whitfield
NOPE. Hahah, let's see. Probably something Hold on, what have I done? I've been trying to like, run more code and trying to work off the quarantine weight that, like, gaining I'm trying to do yoga. Oh, yeah, I do yoga now! That's fun. But other than that, it's like, um, you know, it's kind of like the routine that I'm in. It's just like, wake up, run, do stuff for jobs, whatever odd job or whatever I've picked up. Try to work on some comedy stuff, keep it fresh. And then like, immediately, right from there, it's just straight up into Dungeons and Dragons role playing stuff. And it's, uh, I don't know, I always I like, I'm very sorry, I always just want to talk about this. I feel like, I literally bring it up like, Hey, did you guys know about this? Like, it's, I think it's been around for decades. But it's completely new to me every time I do it, do a lot of fun stuff. And one of the campaigns I'm with is with a bunch of other comedians. Of course, some are based in DC, some are in LA. And doing I look forward to that one. Because since it's a bunch of comedians, you're never really lacking for an energy that you just can't get right now. That's just not present and that we can't give out to the world at large. So we give it to each other. And that like keeps us going, I guess.
Derek Horn
Nice. So are you guys like doing bits within Dungeons and Dragons?
Malcolm Whitfield
We're kind of doing bits. It's actually one of these couple of other comedians from my from the comedy club that I would work at here. We actually just set up a campaign that's getting started next week, where we are in this world playing stand up comedians. So we're doing all the regular Dungeons and Dragons stuff, but it's all for the purpose of getting to a bar show in a village 20 miles away, when when we get there, there'll probably be like six people or something like that. Or you go to, you know, just facing all this stuff we would face in real comedy like maybe I go to a conservative town where they don't like orcs or something like that. Just like you know, not getting paid. I don't know what the equivalent of drink tickets would be in this world.
Derek Horn
A pint of Mead or something.
Malcolm Whitfield
Yeah. You only get one on the house though. Oh my god. And that's only if Josh is working. That's a good Dungeons and Dragons name: Josh. Um, but like it's, it's I'm looking forward to then basically any proxy stand up comedy thing is what I'm excited about.
Derek Horn
Nice. Nice. So I put together a little game for us to play.
Malcolm Whitfield
Okay,
Derek Horn
so I have a list of headlines...
Malcolm Whitfield
Oh God...
Derek Horn
...some of which are real and some of which are satire. And you have to decide which is which
Malcolm Whitfield
This is gonna be a sad game. All right. All right, hit me.
Derek Horn
So this is a headline from November 10. Report 70% of Republicans believe election hasn't happened yet.
Malcolm Whitfield
Oh, God, can you please please say satire?
Derek Horn
This is satire.
Malcolm Whitfield
Oh, man. Okay, cool. Oh, man, cuz like, I don't hate Republicans. Like I just, I really hope that's not what's been like, even though I will say like, in this specific case of an election and be like, if that one was true, I'd be like, I wouldn't. I just wouldn't tell any I wouldn't tell anybody.
Derek Horn
Number two, "After resisting wearing a mask and public President Trump now says he thinks it makes him look like the Lone Ranger. And he likes it."
Malcolm Whitfield
Okay, so this guy. This is hard, because like a lot of satirist, have played straight on this dude's one: ego and two: sense of delusion. So the fact this could come from any great satire writer, but I want to say that this one is too bizarre. So it has to be true.
Derek Horn
It is true. It's from AP News
Malcolm Whitfield
It's so stupid. The Lone Ranger didn't wear a mask on his mouth. That's so dumb. I don't understand this.
Derek Horn
I mean, I think this is a man that probably hasn't watched an episode of TV that wasn't Fox News since 1982.
Malcolm Whitfield
So Lone Ranger wasn't even wasn't even on then. He does not strike me as somebody that saw the movie with Johnny Depp and Armie Hammer and he's like, yeah, I look exactly like Armie Hammer.
Derek Horn
Number three. "Tractor Day offers a slow dose of the freedom every teenager longs for"
Malcolm Whitfield
Is that a national holiday?! Um, that one's real.
Derek Horn
It is real. lt's from the St. Louis Public Radio
Malcolm Whitfield
This pandemic. Everyone, wear your mass so I can celebrate tractor day next year. I'm gonna have like a Footloose chicken fight. That's what I wanted.
Derek Horn
We're saying merry tractor day again, everyone. The war on tractor day is over.
Malcolm Whitfield
All farming equipment matters.
Derek Horn
Number four. "Septic trucks arrive in Washington to begin refilling of the swamp"
Malcolm Whitfield
Satire.
Derek Horn
That it is satire and I use that term very loosely because it's from the Babylon Bee. Number five: "'Hosting? plan a super spread' supermarket forced to apologize over holiday advertisement."
Malcolm Whitfield
Oh man. Oh man, I'm imagining they got like a party tray or something? Um real?
Derek Horn
Yes.
Malcolm Whitfield
Oh god.
Derek Horn
It's from Sky News UK
Malcolm Whitfield
That also sounds like what like some like at the beginning of COVID I guarantee there was some like cluster of moms that was like, you know how we think those chicken pox things? Let's give everyone COVID.
Derek Horn
I genuinely think there was, and I think like college students to like, let's just get it.
Malcolm Whitfield
They were gonna do it regardless. And I say that because my sister got COVID in Alabama, which honestly of all the things you're going to catch in Alabama like this was just on the bottom of the list. They had a quarantine her and then she's still out there being stupid. I hate both of my siblings. They're both like super spreaders. My younger siblings. If you're listening, stay inside go get tested. I don't care. Just stay inside.
Derek Horn
Number six: "Qanon followers frustrated after Q calls for respecting election results and uniting behind Biden"
Malcolm Whitfield
For sure this is satire?
Derek Horn
Yeah, that's right.
Malcolm Whitfield
Qanon is pure chaos. They are pure chaotic energy. They do not care about the fallout or logic or anything other than spreading just straight up discord.
Derek Horn
I'm convinced that it's just like some guy named Kevin from like the Midwest who just like got a little too far away with a bit and now you're in way too deep. Like I think he started this right like I think he started the joke, closed his computer, forgot about it for like a straight up year. And then he's like, oh, how did that whole cute baby sees like a billion followers on whatever dummy website? Is it like, can I go to q&a dot com or like is it dark web or.. I don't know if it might be like Reddit or 4chan or one of those.
Malcolm Whitfield
I'm gonna go to q&a. But I hope that isn't gonna put me on a list.
Derek Horn
I don't know.
Malcolm Whitfield
I just want to receive the newsletter. Like just so I get like every now and then take a look.
Derek Horn
Number seven: "Bratz dolls made a really good statement about racism and social justice."
Malcolm Whitfield
Okay, Mmm hmm. Wow, I don't this just sounds like like you go into the sounds like fridge poetry just like you have a bunch of magnets and put it together. I don't know what to call this satire.
Derek Horn
It's real. That's from BuzzFeed.
Malcolm Whitfield
Oh well good good for you bread sauce. Um, I guess when I think about it Brad styles did have like black and Latinx dolls way more than Barbie did '
Derek Horn
I think there definitely has been on the more progressive side of dolls in the 21st century
Malcolm Whitfield
You know I'm a big fan of Bratz dolls' fashion as well. It was very now is very trendy. Barbie was like a little too conservative. But that's just one weirdos opinion. Like, I don't know what to do with that soundbite
Derek Horn
That's one of the one of the key takeaways from this podcast: "Malcolm Whitfield noted Bratz doll fan." Put that on your Wikipedia page.
Malcolm Whitfield
Honestly, I don't have much else to put in front of my career or whatever. I'm just gonna put that on business cards. Bratz doll enthusiast
Derek Horn
Number eight: "I am the mainstream media realizes horrified Tucker Carlson spiraling live on air."
Malcolm Whitfield
I okay, so I saw this on the Onion and I just really wet and like I know like, I have no sympathy for Tucker Carlson or any one who follows him or anything. I truly hope bad things happen to him. Um, but that is very good. I think it's weird to have someone shouting about the media, from the media. You know, I think that's a weird juxtaposition. Like you're on a major network making millions of dollars. Is what is not mainstream about that?
Derek Horn
Yeah, and I, I think he's like a frozen food heir or something.
Malcolm Whitfield
Yeah. This is actually my phone that I want. What does he look like to me? He looks like he Dudley from like Harry Potter and if like nothing if like he was like even worse and he's American, so like that would be even worse. I guess. He just looks like a kid who's like your mom made you invite to a birthday party. That's what Tucker Carlson looks like to me. I guess like No, God, he smells weird. It's like I don't care, Henry.
Derek Horn
yeah, he's heir to the Swanson frozen food Empire.
Malcolm Whitfield
Are you kidding me?
Derek Horn
Yeah. Are you kidding? No, I'm not kidding me. That's real.
Malcolm Whitfield
Yeah, he looks like like a sirloin steak. He looks like a frozen sirloin steak. Oh, I don't like this. Number nine. Yeah, he's only 51 he looks horrible. Oh, Jesus. Okay, sorry. Go.
Derek Horn
Ah, number nine: "Spike Lee to direct movie musical about Viagra."
Malcolm Whitfield
Okay, that sentence doesn't make sense in a satirical manner. So I'm gonna say that's real.
Derek Horn
It is real. From a couple days ago in Variety.
Malcolm Whitfield
What does any of that mean? I'm like, I cuz Spike Lee has ranged but this just seems like lunacy. You can't just bring that to me and just expect it to be like all hunky dory.
Derek Horn
The film about quote, the little blue pill is based on a 2018 article on Esquire that dove into the history of quote, how an unlikely duo popped the top on all 3 billion a year industry. Whatever that means, so that's something to look forward to. Oh, boy.
Can't wait. Can I say that I've seen a friend of mine is very good at like finding bootleg Broadway shows online. So that's something that I'm sure that friend of mine wink would be very good at. We'd be excited to look for. I just, I it's like I just have to know what that's about. Like it's I'm going purely out of curiosity like the movie Cats. Like I just I just got to SEE it to see what's going on. No, not even to enjoy it.
Derek Horn
Would you say that, You're excited to see it? I would say yes. I'm erupting with excitement to see this to see this play? Number 10. "We packed long underwear and never wore it. Arctic scientists shocked at warming."
Malcolm Whitfield
Bummer. What a bummer. Um, but also that's the headline. That's the pullquote I'm gonna say that's real.
Derek Horn
That's real. It is from The Guardian.
Malcolm Whitfield
Wait, can we take a second to bemoan global warming?
Derek Horn
Yeah.
Malcolm Whitfield
Okay. It sucks.
Derek Horn
Number 11: "Bernie Sanders launches GoFundMe after tourvan stolen outside debate."
Malcolm Whitfield
That's a Hard Times, right?
Derek Horn
Yeah, I had to throw one in there.
Malcolm Whitfield
I love it. Something I love about what we do is we are like when things are like really like topical we are so fast on the beat like the the groups and group chats a little inside baseball but there's ever like group chats or hard time going on for breaking news and for political stuff during the debates. I had one about Beto O'Rourke and that I'm not gonna remember the it was like um, it was like fan jumps on or like rushes debate stage to get Beto O'Rourke's setlist because he was like a punk guy and he was like in a punk band. I thought it'd be fun. But that was like, from the second I got that headline like to like when it went up. It was like an hour. Like, during the debates, it was a very because it has to be it has to be fresh. So I ran this Bernie Sanders thing, hit like primetime form.
Derek Horn
This next one's a doozy. “Rush Limbaugh admits Presidential Medal of Freedom less of an honor knowing that Rosa Parks and Maya Angelou also received it.”
Malcolm Whitfield
Oh my God, please say satire.
Derek Horn
Yeah, that's from The Onion. But would you be shocked if it was real?
Malcolm Whitfield
No, I wouldn't. Oh my God, that's such a no.
Derek Horn
No, I actually this one was one that I found a Snopes article about, because I think it might have been like Yahoo News or something, shared it as though it was real.
Malcolm Whitfield
It's like one of that toes the line where it's like, you really got to be sure. IThat's like been my dream as like a satire writer or something. Have one of my articles be taken seriously and shared by some moron, I just need. I've always wanted that feeling. Or everyone could be calling that person out. who shared it like this is fake. I just, I need to write more cutting edge stuff.
Derek Horn
Yeah. There are some times where I'll share like an Onion article on Facebook without really any comment. And then there'll be like somebody that'll be like, you realize this is an onion article, right? But the thing is, is that there's people out there that really do need that reality check, because they will share those things.
Malcolm Whitfield
That's like the one good thing I'll say social media has added recently, which is just that, that says, like, like the President will say like I won the election, and then there'll be like, No, he didn't like just like, right there. Just like hey, we're sorry about him. Just keep scrolling. Just keep going. You don't you're not missing any information.
Derek Horn
Number 13. We have three more to go.
Malcolm Whitfield
Okay, cool.
Derek Horn
"Poland accidentally invades Czech Republic in quote, minor misunderstanding."
Malcolm Whitfield
Now, I see I don't know are these aren't combative countries? I assume? Let's say um, let's say Sure. Let's say that's real.
Derek Horn
It's from NPR.
Malcolm Whitfield
Did that just happen? Is that recent?
Derek Horn
I think somewhat recent, I dont have the article in front of me.
Malcolm Whitfield
Where were they trying to go? Or?
Derek Horn
I don't know, I'll leave that to your imagination
Malcolm Whitfield
Oh, my God. All right. United States can't accidentally invade. We can't have like a polite conversation at this point, its on sight.
Derek Horn
14 "Media lambasts Biden administration for failure to solve Coronavirus."
Malcolm Whitfield
Satire.
Derek Horn
Yeah, that's from the Onion.
Malcolm Whitfield
Oh, my. Oh, dude. Like so it's gonna be so quick. It's gonna be so quick. They're gonna jump on Joe Biden. And, you know, certain parties in certain places should hold him accountable, but it's gonna be ridiculous stuff. Day one. "oh Biden, waitin on that cure."
Derek Horn
Number 15. And this is the final one. "Trump campaign attacks Joe Biden for quote, lack of first hand experience being infected with COVID-19"
Malcolm Whitfield
Oh, boy. Oh, no. Oh god, this is one of those ones. Lack of firsthand experience. Let's say real.
Derek Horn
That is real. No, that was from Raw Story.
Malcolm Whitfield
No, I wanted to be wrong there.
Derek Horn
Nope. No, it was like that. They sent out one of their goons on like one of the cable news interviews and we're like, you know how they always try and blow smoke up his ass and are like, Oh, well, now that the President is recovered from Coronavirus that is one piece of experience that he has over his opponent.
Malcolm Whitfield
Yeah, what have you like if I was a cop is like don't worry guys. I've shot myself in the leg six times. That's ridiculous. Oh my god. That's like he's acquainting this to being like one of those like, in like a sting a movie where like, they'll like open a suitcase full of coke. And a guy will take a switchblade be like, Oh, yeah, that's pure Colombian. Is that what he's doing with Coronavirus? Is that how he's testing it?
Derek Horn
Apparently. He's apparently really committed to giving everybody else around him the first hand experience as well.
Malcolm Whitfield
But we have a whole team of experts right now. Dude, they're gonna have to Lysol the crap out of the White House. Oh, man. That's so upsetting.
Derek Horn
Yeah. So that's the end of the game. I wasn't keeping score, but you won.
Malcolm Whitfield
I guess we're all winners. We're all winners, I guess.
Derek Horn
Yeah.
Malcolm Whitfield
That was a fun one. Thanks for that. I was. I was like, ooh, maybe we'll throw in one of mine because now he didn't. That's fine. That's fine, though.
Derek Horn
I figured you'd catch on to that pretty quickly. Yeah. Wrapping things up. What is something that's important to you that you think society should be paying more attention to?
Malcolm Whitfield
What is something that is important to me that I think society should be paying more attention to, um, this is kind of switching gears a little bit, but I do want to make sure I mention it, I think something society should pay a little bit more attention to is as we proceed with the way our culture is and holding each other accountable and social and in social justice situations, I think people should pay a little bit more attention to how we expect people to proceed. Um, there has been something, something close to me a few, like, at the before the beginning of this whole quarantine thing. We I hit a moment where we were thinking about, like, you know, people who have been sexually abused, holding their accusers accountable, when, and, and what that means. And I fully onboard, I was there sharing all the articles and everything too. And then another thought came to mind or like after George Floyd murder, and Daniel prudes murder was found out in Rochester, we look at the system that's in place to take care of this, you know, like, what do we do with it? Do we put them in jail and all that, and ultimately, I've come across a couple around to the way of thinking that like, the whole prison in disarray should be abolished, and like, reshaped from the ground up. Meaning that I can't hold myself to the thought that some people should be locked up forever. Um, I guess what I want, I think there should be at least more of a conversation about is rehabilitation and reintegration in society, and what we actually want to do when somebody does something wrong, um, like I said, That's super changing gears. But I've been going to a ton of, you know, protests lately, and I've been doing a lot more reading. Because like, especially on us as like a community, in our own communities, when something is not brought in front of a legal system, then it's left to social justice. And then we all as a community have to decide what justice means. I really feel like I just dropped that out of nowhere. But I think I think it's something that deserves like a more in depth conversation. I love the way the like, quote unquote, cancel culture is going. Some people think it's gone too far. And I disagree with that. I think it's something that just needs to be monitored and use to make sure that, you know, everyone is like, being held to the exact same level.
Derek Horn
Yeah. I mean, with cancel culture. That is, I think a lot of examples of people talk about cancel culture, it really is, a phrase I've discovered that I really like is, consequence culture.
Malcolm Whitfield
Yeah, exactly. It's, it's, and we were talking about that earlier, I had a thought about this. I forgot to.
Derek Horn
Um, and I think that, yeah, I think that people right now are in this moment where people are facing consequences for things they've gotten away with doing for decades, if not centuries. And that's not necessarily. I forgot what I was going to say. And it is, I think, like you said, it is this kind of rehabilitation, and if anything, it's like they should, if you get, quote unquote, canceled or are facing consequences or something you did, you should take that as an opportunity to go work on yourself, better yourself. Make the wrongs you got a right,
Malcolm Whitfield
the right that you can, and then whatever can't be Yeah, it's like, you know, I guess, in a way, figure out what we're supposed to do in that case, too.
Derek Horn
Right. And I mean, it is also this massive issue that's facing us right now, as a country, knowing that tens of millions people just voted to reelect Trump, whose is ridiculous, and as much as we joke about how much of a mess he is like, he really is like a racist bigot that is done so much harm to us in our culture, and it's like those, I don't know, I struggle. I mean, I think that we need some time to get to this point, but all those people aren't going anywhere. And I know that it's like, obviously people that are just ride or die, racists and bigots like it some people are get to a point where they're just not redeemable. But I personally can I find it hard to believe that all those people are not saveable? And I think that that's like, it's a challenge, like, one who is going to be responsible for leading that. Obviously, we can't ask the people that have lost the most or bear the brunt of it to lead that by any means. But, but yeah, it's like, I don't know. It's like, I definitely don't want to join hands with the KKK and sing Kumbaya for the sake of singing Kumbaya.
Malcolm Whitfield
Like I'm also on of two minds with that, especially because like, you know, there are these still institutions in place purely to hurt other people. And it's like, I'm all in favor of, I think the difference being there is like those sort of institutions or like, you know, hate groups aren't looking for retribution or restorative justice, they are still, they still believe they're in the right. Whereas like, something with restorative justice that I'd like to see is how to come to people who maybe want to leave those organizations or right want to at least in some way, atone for it, you know, right, integrate back into society, like have some form of like, a life in there.
Derek Horn
Yeah. Because you can't force people to leave otherwise, it just makes them dig down. Harder.
Malcolm Whitfield
Oh, man. Yeah.
Derek Horn
But I mean, and one day, hopefully COVID itself is in the rearview mirror, I know that we're gonna emerge, hopefully, or I know that the world is going to be changed forever because of it. But what are you most hopeful for going into the future?
Malcolm Whitfield
I am hopeful for a renewed sense of community, in this chosen path of like, performance and entertainment. I know, we're all still out there. All of us performers. But like, there's not there hasn't been a way or a place for all of us to like, meet up and be like, sort of revel in that in the wild. Yeah. And that's what I find myself missing the most. Yeah, being able to sit at a table and commiserate or just like, yeah, gas, someone up over like a really good joke or bit or something. Just like that sort of sense of community within a community. I look forward to that. I look forward to seeing all you guys out there again.
Derek Horn
Yeah I think that that's been a common thing with so many things where it's like, we found ways to replicate or do our work virtually get our things out there. But that's the one thing that you can't really fully recreate exactly as those kind of intangible, spontaneous moments are kind of like in between human connection and stuff.
Malcolm Whitfield
And that's something like, I mean, like, I sure like a lot of like, quote, unquote, like extroverts are, like, like itching to get back to that specific thing, too. It's, it's something we hold dear. I'm a hugger. I like hugging. I like just doing like a real quick like, Hey, how are you? Like, that's my version of like, I guess checking in.
Derek Horn
Nice. Well, I can't wait to give you a hug again.
Malcolm Whitfield
I can't wait to give you a hug again. And also I want to meet your dog. I have not met your dog yet.
Derek Horn
Oh, you're right. Yeah, that's wild.
Malcolm Whitfield
I'll hug your dog at some point. Yeah, regardless of whether or not you're around.
Derek Horn
So is there anything you want to plug in? Where can people find you online?
Malcolm Whitfield
Let's see. Um, I got a ton of stand up and stuff that I got video from one of the last live shows I did. Just cutting that up throwing it making content that like palatable for people on my Instagram and my Twitter that's at marvelous underscore Mal. Like I said, I got a lot of DMC content I guess coming out soon, I'm gonna be streaming figure out twitch like the kids. Like, Derek, I feel 100 years old anytime I talk about this stuff. But all of that will just be posted on my leg social media. If you if you're doing an outdoor show anywhere all over the world booked me on it, I'll get there.
Derek Horn
Nice. Well, I highly recommend you follow Malcolm and I'm not just saying this because he's one of my best friends, but he really is one of the funniest people I've ever met. So do yourself that favor.
Malcolm Whitfield
Derek, you’re one of my best friends as well.
Derek Horn
Aw well, thank you and hope to talk to you again soon!